YOU NEVER KNOW WHO’S LOOKING

As I sit in front of my desktop I try to figure out what have I been doing wrong with this writing. I see/read shall I say, all these other people writing and I do read a lot because I know reading bring on ideas and it also gives you more knowledge. But I tend to start getting nervous when it’s time to write as if I’m giving my articles to an agent and will get a rejection letter or something. But what I love is the fact that my grandbaby had a book fair the other day, and she chose a diary and this pen. So out of a whole room full of books she chose this diary and pen… when the lady asked: “sweetheart why didn’t you choose a book out of all these books, don’t you know reading is fundamental”?

LOOK AT WHO’S WATCHING!

My baby smiled at her and said: “yes ma’am”… but I chose this diary so I can write in it every day because I want to be a writer just like my granny mamma”

(And what I love most is we are both Lefties)

Now you know that made me feel so good. Now she sees me sitting in front of this desktop day in when they on the way to school and when they come home, I’m still sitting in the front of this desktop. She never knows the struggles of me not knowing what I will write, or that I get stuck sometimes even when I know exactly what I want to write.

You really never know who’s watching you so you really have to be careful about your choices in life. Even if it’s not a family member that’s watching, you still never know or what they are watching out for from you.

With that being said, this gives me even more of a reason to want to do this writing thing. I go through the motions of looking at this as if it’s just a hobby because I’m not published yet. But I think it’s pretty dam cool to just sit back and put your mark out here in the world first, give people some of your work and show them where your mind is at before you get out unless you’re already a big hit in the industry and they already know you.

I never knew what I was doing with this whole writing thing at first… thinking just because my handwriting was cute in school I should be a writer to show off my handwriting. But then I started writing poetry and loved it, so I kept it up regularly… And I’m happy I did.

Writing gives you this sensation of relaxation…

And as long as you have a beautiful place to write, your mind floats on words like pillars of clouds. A place where your mind is free to roam the beauty.

HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WRITER?

Growing up I never thought I wanted to be a writer. I really wasn’t that type of girl coming up, I was always quiet and shy… Stayed to myself most of my Elementary years, I can barely remember the answer I gave then if ever being asked this question in school! (which I’m sure I was), I couldn’t imagine what my answer must have been. When I think back that must have been the last thing on my mind because I can’t even think back on it. What DID I want to be growing up? What was my answer? See, I grew up in Tallulah Louisiana… A small town with no jobs, so I just wonder now, WHAT DID I CHOOSE THEN? Since I know what I know now. I know I love writing, but I also have grown to love painting, I also draw which all of these things I have a passion for and if I would have done something with it, (stayed at it) It may be a career by now instead of me trying out!

One of my paintings, I’m not a professional but I get all good feedback on my works!img_20180915_1232541182476785.jpg

Because now! All I can think about is writing. when trying to sleep, I can’t, because all I can think about is the next plot to my next story, my characters and what will I do with them next. It’s like that’s all I know is writing, reading, drawing & paintings etc… It’s what I love doing. Growing up I never dreamed of being a writer, That career choice never crossed my mind I’m very sure it wasn’t writing I’m more than sure. When I was 16 one of my close friends got me a job with her at this theme park called “FANTASMIC” It was like a small amusement park with rides, & water rides. I hated that job! It wasn’t the fact that It was all out boring… I mean, I was a child for Christ sakes! Why don’t I want to work there? It was in my age bracket… Then as I got older I learned more into the nurse’s department. I graduated from the nursing career, that’s when my body issues came, I hurt myself at work and its never been the same for me. I have very serious issues with my back, so that left me disabled and unable to work. So I can’t even pay for my publishing, I write stories all the time, I write on Medium, I tried Tumblr, its kind of different for me. But I just need a place to share my writing, writing experiences & trials of writing. You’ll if you may, please bear with me with my many experiences I will be throwing out here. It’s just so much I have to say, many different things I will be going through and sharing. I write music also, so I sent in a couple of song to Majestic and got quite a surprising response.so I know the talent is there. A response to some songs I sent to Majestic:

So if I had money I wouldn’t keep writing about writing. I’d be a published author/painter/ songwriter. Or not just telling you’ll about my next book I’m about to write or that I’m working on. I never wanted to be the person who only writes about writing I’m heading to be a published author… But until then this is what you’ll get from me. My writing on writing because I’m a struggling author. I’m writing this article because many hide from articles that speak on their real struggles as a writer and no I’m not looking for a handout! I’m simply just writing and telling my situation.

But all in all, I’m just writing an article that’s speaking on how I feel at the moment. I’m writing this article because I want to write and this was the chosen subject. I have written about love, the choices we make, how the world is etc… Now I just want to write. Since I was 16 years old, I have dreamed of so many careers from when I was asked in the fifth grade… “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP”? I remember asking myself that question when I was 15, I remember writing poetry not even knowing my real love for writing. But now I know the answer to that question without a doubt. I know why from 15 years old at FUNTAZMIK until now, 42 and knowing I never liked not one career I’ve been in, not even Nursing. Because writing has always been in my soul, that’s why I write my own unique style of poetry, that I’ve always gotten acknowledgments on from poetry sites.

Yes, it’s a few typos, but still got accepted through EBER & WEIN PUBLISHING.

WRITING IS WRITING

I’ve finally come to the realization that if I want to be a writer, I have to at least write! I have to write something on the computer screen or at least on paper. Every day I wake up I tell myself… I’m going to write on my WIP (my book TWISTED), it never happens.

But I come to social media and spend most of the day reading other peoples blogs, posts about writing, some were good and some I just be like, dang really? I shouldn’t even be as hard on myself to publish my articles. Writing is just writing what you feel, writing what you know. You shouldn’t feel pressured so bad that you end up too scared to even write anything at all.

Why is it like you’re getting graded? Because basically, you are, think about this…You put an article, short story, poems or your writing out there for others or maybe, hopefully, publishers to read. When others read your writing you’re wishing to be discovered right? Just like people putting out videos on YouTube.We are all looking for that big break in life where we can just kick back on the beach and some wanna be sipping on a mai tai or some other tropical drink.

Then suddenly someone reads your article, book, short story etc… Give you a bad review now your whole entire life shambling before you know it! You curl up in a corner and feels like your whole world is over. But that’s only one person thoughts. Or even if its 10 out of 20, whatever the case may be just always know…its not the entire world.

So what I had to come to a realization of, is that writing is just writing. It’s to have fun with, tell stories… Some good and if you want to give the bad ones so others can be warned of the situation. Tell your story! share your story! Get it out here for the world, let them decide what they want of yours, don’t just decide to keep it all away and we never get to see any of it! (Just a message for myself and others).

Now I do know reading is good for the brain & the soul & it’s fundamental etc, etc … But if I can focus on writing the way I read on social media I think I can get more focus on my own writing. I download so many writing apps that some I never get to go back to, ebook apps that I need to finish a book to even use. I think to myself like girl what are you doing? Just sit down and write! stop looking for excuses not to write, what are you afraid of?

And my fiance always tells me, You will never know if your writing sucks if you never even let anyone else read it but you. You are your own critic & worst enemy. So I will tell you, writing should be fun but yet it still comes from the heart. If we put out the time to write it, we want it to be our best…

Well I know if you just write it & get it out there, you already did the hard part. You will always have a critic. You will never make the entire world happy, it’s impossible! JESUS couldn’t even make these people happy. So a critic is a critic, that’s their job, its what they do! Criticize other works, looks etc… When you can’t get your message to all, but at least put it out there so those that do can have that chance to buy it, or like it, see it, get it!

MIRACLE’S BEFORE MY EYES

On June 25th @ 10:30 I was in a sort of heavy sleep,which was unusual because I normally didn’t fall asleep until late. But I remember this time because when my phone rang it was messenger. I was instantly upset because I thought it was my son’s friends calling because my son usually have my phone and this was there way of calling him, fb messenger. But this time it wasn’t THEM… It was actually my son, Stevon… Shocked now as to why HE calling me now, I answer half asleep and curious. All I hear is “momma Tramaine got shot! Now I’m awake and scared,but still thinking I must be sleep still “WHAAT? jumping up! shaking Carlos, I wake him up and yells to him “take me to my baby! Tramaine just got shot!”

Horrified, don’t know what to expect… I ask my son, “what happened? My son repeats himself again “Tramaine just got shot momma! Now I say call the ambulance! But I could hear the ambulance in the background. I didn’t know what to do now. Going to my daughter’s house the world was spinning. Nothing made sense. Every light caught us but in my mind, I’m floating, I could hear nothing but my son repeating those words in my ear and me screaming. Now I can hear and as we turn the corner I see police,people out crying..& yellow tape. Noooo! I jump out running to the last cop, Carlos takes over the conversation because all I can do is cry asking where’s my baby? Carlos gets me back to the truck having getting the information that they have taken her to UMC. Now I’m even more horrified because now I know it’s real. It did happen, but now I need to know is she alive. The cop answers yes last I heard.

Now arriving at the hospital after the ride from my daughter’s to the hospital couldn’t be over any faster… All I wanted Carlos to do is get me to my baby. My mom & sister was there waiting for me to arrive runs out to the car to get me. That’s when reality hit me! MY mother is waiting for ME because MY BABY is shot… I fell out! Carlos had to pick me up and carry me in,they had to have a nurse to come check me. I was in shock but my mother insisted I stay with them until I hear something about my baby. After to me hours of waiting, the surgery team that was working on my baby came out and let me know everything I needed to know. All bout where she was shot; how many times, and what they were doing to her, what was next to come. Basically gave me all the answers I was looking for, and now I needed to know when can I/ see her. With the surgery going good and the rest of the work that needed to be into play, I was able to see my baby a hour after that… 4 hours I saw my baby.

When I saw my baby, the ventilation machine was 100%, but after all the prayers and she was fighting hard, my baby was coming off machines left and right, everyday,they were unhooking kidney drains,liver bags…. Things I never even heard of my baby had it on her.but she still here.

Through all of this, I was distraught but shocked at the same time because I was basically watching another miracle before my eyes,seeing my daughter on those same machines my grandson was on for drowning 2 years ago on Fathers Day. He was said to be braindead and yet, he’s a survivor…. But he fought so hard to still be here with us still and I thank GOD; I thank GOD I can share these miracles with the world. I can say I know with prayer and true faith GOD always shows us miraculous miracles.

GOD WAS BY HER SIDE

On June 26th a coward tried to play GOD and almost took my 23-year-old baby girls life… She and her boyfriend was sitting in front of her house, she had just got home from work. They pulled up on her and her boyfriend, & shot the car up, my baby tried to get out and run into her house to her babies and got hit 3 times, the chest,the side, & the hand.My baby has 2 beautiful little girls to raise.

I haven’t been able to come to write about it until now. But by GODS GRACE AND MERCY, I have some strength to even share my baby incident. Hopefully every day after today I will get to write more then after that more until I can finally share her testimony. But please keep my girl Tramaine and family in your prayers for recovery. GOD has a purpose for all. AMEN…