SO MUCH PRESSURE

Lately, I’ve really been feeling the pressure. The pressure of what it really means & takes to be happy…sometimes you have to let certain things & people go. I realize everybody doesn’t deserve to go with you into your happiness. And to really have anything that will make you happy, you can’t have someone else choose it for you then call it your happiness. Anything worth bragging about have to come from you, yes others that help you along the way that means more good than harm will be there, you will notice the difference. If they cause more harm than good, those are the ones to drop alone your happiness journey. If it takes you getting out of yourself and be someone else just to please another person, they don’t care for you… It’s who you’re pretending to be that’s keeping their interest.

I didn’t graduate high school, so my career path had to come from me going back to school getting certificates. So now at the peak of me being really eager to know what I really want in my life and my happiness seems so out of grasp but yet right within my reach. My health is kind of off track to do any hard work so I’m kind of at the stage of I wish I would, and I should and I wish I could’ve. So now I have to go back to school for another career choice that wouldn’t impose on my body drastically.

It seems now I have some of all the things I’ve ever wanted, I’m writing now, I have a book about to be published eventually, But why do I have so much sadness with it? I will be a published author, I paint, draw, write music, I live in my own house finally,al my children & grandchildren are all healthy. But its sadness all in me. I have that bittersweet feeling.

You know how you 15-17 you can’t wait to be grown then by 24 you wanna go back home to mommy? Or how you can’t wait to get rich but now look at what the richness brings, more problems & bills.

I couldn’t imagine living as a celebrity because of how much pressure they have in their lives every moment, even when they’re home with families, personal moments etc… They have no privacy, all their lives are in public view. When they’re alive or dead, every moment and anything they do is in the public eye. They rarely have happiness, unless you know how to create your own within all the publicity & lies that come out of nowhere. If I feel this pressure just within my normal broke life and me not having bundles of money laying around… I couldn’t imagine having the pressure of being rich. They can’t even grocery shop, animal shop, hell I think if the paparazzi can get Beyonce shitting they would sell that with: “She shits like us”! Those people were once trying to get where they are just like a normal person, so why now they can still live normal? Why do they have to be in the public eye now?

(This picture is just to show if you really want it you go for it, regardless of the cost, that’s just how some paparazzi feel, its also how some celebrities feel. It’s a reminder to me of how I should feel alone this journey of wanting to become a published author)

Continued……

Like, come on… They are human, I know I’m still human and when I become a published author I will still be human. But I do understand the pressure of the paparazzi, they wouldn’t have a job to do! So without them, we wouldn’t be able to get all this juicy information that’s not our business. The pressure of being rich is the worst pressure of it all because they live is spreader all across the world.

But the pressure of not having all that money is the pressure of struggling and going thru trying to get there. The pressure of losing so much of nothing to get so much of something that you wouldn’t want once you get it. The pressure of not knowing what sacrifices you really would make to get what you’re going for. The pressures of the people you let go, the pressure knowing toy cant care how others feel you have to go for how you feel even if itit’saving some people think you changed. The pressure of trying to stay the same. The pressure of knowing you have to change.

THE PRESSURE OF THE WORLD.

WRITING IS WRITING

I’ve finally come to the realization that if I want to be a writer, I have to at least write! I have to write something on the computer screen or at least on paper. Every day I wake up I tell myself… I’m going to write on my WIP (my book TWISTED), it never happens.

But I come to social media and spend most of the day reading other peoples blogs, posts about writing, some were good and some I just be like, dang really? I shouldn’t even be as hard on myself to publish my articles. Writing is just writing what you feel, writing what you know. You shouldn’t feel pressured so bad that you end up too scared to even write anything at all.

Why is it like you’re getting graded? Because basically, you are, think about this…You put an article, short story, poems or your writing out there for others or maybe, hopefully, publishers to read. When others read your writing you’re wishing to be discovered right? Just like people putting out videos on YouTube.We are all looking for that big break in life where we can just kick back on the beach and some wanna be sipping on a mai tai or some other tropical drink.

Then suddenly someone reads your article, book, short story etc… Give you a bad review now your whole entire life shambling before you know it! You curl up in a corner and feels like your whole world is over. But that’s only one person thoughts. Or even if its 10 out of 20, whatever the case may be just always know…its not the entire world.

So what I had to come to a realization of, is that writing is just writing. It’s to have fun with, tell stories… Some good and if you want to give the bad ones so others can be warned of the situation. Tell your story! share your story! Get it out here for the world, let them decide what they want of yours, don’t just decide to keep it all away and we never get to see any of it! (Just a message for myself and others).

Now I do know reading is good for the brain & the soul & it’s fundamental etc, etc … But if I can focus on writing the way I read on social media I think I can get more focus on my own writing. I download so many writing apps that some I never get to go back to, ebook apps that I need to finish a book to even use. I think to myself like girl what are you doing? Just sit down and write! stop looking for excuses not to write, what are you afraid of?

And my fiance always tells me, You will never know if your writing sucks if you never even let anyone else read it but you. You are your own critic & worst enemy. So I will tell you, writing should be fun but yet it still comes from the heart. If we put out the time to write it, we want it to be our best…

Well I know if you just write it & get it out there, you already did the hard part. You will always have a critic. You will never make the entire world happy, it’s impossible! JESUS couldn’t even make these people happy. So a critic is a critic, that’s their job, its what they do! Criticize other works, looks etc… When you can’t get your message to all, but at least put it out there so those that do can have that chance to buy it, or like it, see it, get it!

MIRACLE’S BEFORE MY EYES

On June 25th @ 10:30 I was in a sort of heavy sleep,which was unusual because I normally didn’t fall asleep until late. But I remember this time because when my phone rang it was messenger. I was instantly upset because I thought it was my son’s friends calling because my son usually have my phone and this was there way of calling him, fb messenger. But this time it wasn’t THEM… It was actually my son, Stevon… Shocked now as to why HE calling me now, I answer half asleep and curious. All I hear is “momma Tramaine got shot! Now I’m awake and scared,but still thinking I must be sleep still “WHAAT? jumping up! shaking Carlos, I wake him up and yells to him “take me to my baby! Tramaine just got shot!”

Horrified, don’t know what to expect… I ask my son, “what happened? My son repeats himself again “Tramaine just got shot momma! Now I say call the ambulance! But I could hear the ambulance in the background. I didn’t know what to do now. Going to my daughter’s house the world was spinning. Nothing made sense. Every light caught us but in my mind, I’m floating, I could hear nothing but my son repeating those words in my ear and me screaming. Now I can hear and as we turn the corner I see police,people out crying..& yellow tape. Noooo! I jump out running to the last cop, Carlos takes over the conversation because all I can do is cry asking where’s my baby? Carlos gets me back to the truck having getting the information that they have taken her to UMC. Now I’m even more horrified because now I know it’s real. It did happen, but now I need to know is she alive. The cop answers yes last I heard.

Now arriving at the hospital after the ride from my daughter’s to the hospital couldn’t be over any faster… All I wanted Carlos to do is get me to my baby. My mom & sister was there waiting for me to arrive runs out to the car to get me. That’s when reality hit me! MY mother is waiting for ME because MY BABY is shot… I fell out! Carlos had to pick me up and carry me in,they had to have a nurse to come check me. I was in shock but my mother insisted I stay with them until I hear something about my baby. After to me hours of waiting, the surgery team that was working on my baby came out and let me know everything I needed to know. All bout where she was shot; how many times, and what they were doing to her, what was next to come. Basically gave me all the answers I was looking for, and now I needed to know when can I/ see her. With the surgery going good and the rest of the work that needed to be into play, I was able to see my baby a hour after that… 4 hours I saw my baby.

When I saw my baby, the ventilation machine was 100%, but after all the prayers and she was fighting hard, my baby was coming off machines left and right, everyday,they were unhooking kidney drains,liver bags…. Things I never even heard of my baby had it on her.but she still here.

Through all of this, I was distraught but shocked at the same time because I was basically watching another miracle before my eyes,seeing my daughter on those same machines my grandson was on for drowning 2 years ago on Fathers Day. He was said to be braindead and yet, he’s a survivor…. But he fought so hard to still be here with us still and I thank GOD; I thank GOD I can share these miracles with the world. I can say I know with prayer and true faith GOD always shows us miraculous miracles.

GOD WAS BY HER SIDE

On June 26th a coward tried to play GOD and almost took my 23-year-old baby girls life… She and her boyfriend was sitting in front of her house, she had just got home from work. They pulled up on her and her boyfriend, & shot the car up, my baby tried to get out and run into her house to her babies and got hit 3 times, the chest,the side, & the hand.My baby has 2 beautiful little girls to raise.

I haven’t been able to come to write about it until now. But by GODS GRACE AND MERCY, I have some strength to even share my baby incident. Hopefully every day after today I will get to write more then after that more until I can finally share her testimony. But please keep my girl Tramaine and family in your prayers for recovery. GOD has a purpose for all. AMEN…

MY LIFE AS A WRITER…

My life as a writer is kind of a hard journey I’m traveling in like a misguided state of mind. I get kind of lost and stuck at times, I get to that place where I have no idea what will come up next! But as a writer you have no room to think that way… You can’t think about getting stuck and not knowing what to say. So daily I try and write about the goings on in life today, jist letting the words flow,what and how it went or is going on. There is no such thing as not having anything to write about, because things going on everyday is something to write about… IT’S LIFE, LETS TALK ABOUT IT